Hopeless Wandering
by OmundsonsCave
Summary: A little Shules fic taking place after Deez Nups. This is my first fan-fic!


I rubbed my hands together in an effort to create some sort of warmth, and briskly walked down the street. My plan was to escape the winter winds currently littering Santa Barbara with lonely hearts. Well at least my heart was; it had only been a week since Juliet found out my secret. It might have been the pain set deep into my heart or maybe there was an actual Arctic cold front seeping into the Santa Barbara Skies, but for whatever reason, I'm always cold. I felt the ice setting in my bones and quickly made a hasty retreat into the local coffee shop. This may not have been the greatest choice because this was the coffee shop that had the daily pop culture question. As I am sure all of you know, I tend to ramble _a lot_ and with it my mind. Anyhow, I started to think of the time Declan (who I affectionately named Dicklan) beat me. Well Dicklan was Juliet's ex and guess what I'm thinking about now? Juliet. I've kind of been stuck up on her for two reason. 1- I love her. 2- Did I really say that? I guess I did, it's not like it isn't true; I'd take a bullet for her. The problem with this is I love her with my whole heart, which is not a fault. The thing is, if I was to kneel before a king, I wouldn't be able to say I'm clean. I lie a lot. It is, after all, my job. No I'm not a lawyer. (I could be if Adam Hornstock ever decided to hire me, I did save his ass.) I'm a psychic detective. Let's be sure to use the term Psychic _very_ loosely. Juliet is an amazing junior detective with eyes like marbles and flawless skin. Jules is also keen on this whole trust thing. Not that I blame her, it's been an issue since she was six. Her father, Lloyd, Declan, and…me. She trusted me, and wholehearted believed in my "senses". Needless to say when she found out, all hell broke loose.

It was the night of Lassiter's wedding. I still firmly believe that if I had told her, this catastrophe wouldn't have been quite as bad, but instead she found out. As I came back she accosted me, with that damn Michael Damian concert stub in her hand. As she went off a, whirlwind of memories glided through me. Every moment we had had together hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt myself falling. I don't know why I felt the need to tell the truth in that moment. I could have easily lied again, but the life was gone from her eyes, and I couldn't keep hurting her, because she was worth more to me. In the future I saw us married with two boys, Marcus and Ben. I saw them running around the yard with the dog Winston. Getting back on track, when I told her the truth, a swelling rage grew and she threw her drink on me.

_"It was not your fault but mine, and it was your hearts on the line, I really fucked it up this time didn't I my dear" _

That's ironic. Little Lion Man was playing on the radio. That's actually a perfect song to describe our relationship status right now.

A waiter named Ted was at my corner booth waiting for me to say something. He was looking rather impatient, and it dawned on me that he was probably there for quite some time. Ted was a tall man who had thick blond hair and beard. He had callouses on both of his hands so I asked him how long he had been playing the double bass.

Shocked, he replied, "umm since I was 10, wha-how did you know I played?"

Instinctively I raised my hand to my head but was overcome with a strong guilt. "I just noticed the callouses on both of your hands." I muttered.

"Do you want anything sir?" he asked and I shook my head no. He left and I'm assuming he felt his privacy was invaded because he kept looking back at me with a look of enthrallment and disbelief.

"_lover please do not fall to your knees, it's not like I believe in everlasting love"_

Laura Marling's "Ghosts" whispered throughout the small shoppe, and I felt something. I do, I thought, I do believe in everlasting love. I ran out of the shoppe and into a woman carrying several books.

Using my free hand, I wrapped the scarf tighter around my neck, barely managing to balance the few books my other possessed. I was just walking out of the bookstore, after purchasing quite a few novels to read. Reading was one of my favorite activities and now that Shawn was gone and wasn't making fun of me for reading all the time, I was thrilled to get some new books. Fictional worlds created by authors were a perfect escape. I was especially happy about The Book Thief.  I was too focused on my own thoughts to think about where I was going and smacked into someone letting all my books fall and littering the ground. "Dammit" I thought, and knelt down to collect my things.

"I'm so sorry, I'm just…I'm so clumsy sometimes and I-" I quickly tried to save myself.

"Don't worry, it was my fault. I should've been watching where I was going" a muffled voice replied.

"I just, I get so lost in my thoughts that I don't even look where-"

"Stop apologizing, it was honestly my fault" He stated.

Still on my knees I looked up, and out of luck I saw the infamous Shawn Spencer in front of me. The sweet, kind, manchild that I fell in love with. NO! He lied and broke your heart, you trusted him and all he ever did was tear you down.

"Jules?" he asked with surprise.

I stood there, shocked to have run into him. He helped me up and left his hands on mine a second too long. I could still feel a spark that was always there and I was pretty sure would never leave.

"What are you doing here?" I snarled at him and his face dropped, I felt bad but what else was I supposed to do? I guess trying to have a civilized conversation might help, but Shawn wasn't one for grown up conversations. Also I didn't quite think that I was in any position to talk right now, I could barely keep a tear-free face at work and he wasn't even there! How could I manage not to loose it talking to him face to face?

I felt Juliet's uneasiness toward me and saw that she was contemplating something. You see, she does this cute thing where she wrinkles her nose and her eyebrows scrunch together. We were both surprised with my next question though, "Where are you headed? Don't you think it's time we talked as adults and try to reach a common ground?" She obviously didn't expect mature Shawn right about now.

"I was thinking about that coffee shop you just ran out of like a madman" Her voice was strong and her eyes stared him down. They were like a curse, and he always felt numb when she spoke this way to him.

"Can I come? I mean if I'm allowed back in there. I scared the waiter Ted and your madman comment was nearly spot on…" I was trying to be funny, but I was at a loss and just hoped Jules didn't see my vulnerability.

The words came out tumbling out of my mouth without even thinking about it. _What the hell are you doing, don't let him back in he's only going to hurt you. JULIET WHY DID YOU SAY YES? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?_

Shawn followed me into the little café and I saw him smile sheepishly at the tall blond waiter. We sat down in a booth and he was across from me. His mask faltered for a second and I saw how much pain he was in. _I doubt it is as much as you're in, I bet he isn't sorry at all. Maybe he lost a bet to Gus, maybe he's already over you and looking for the next attractive girl to come his way_.

"What did you lose to Gus?"

"Huh? I didn't los-what are you talking about?"

"Oh, I just thought that maybe you lost a bet to Gus or something because of your behavior…" I realized that it was me, I was what made him feel that. It gave me a feeling of power followed by defeat. I hated that look on his face; I knew he was the reason for it but I still felt bad for him.

A few minutes passed by filled with awkward silence and the melancholy tune of despair. Finally he spoke up, "So how have you been?" his week attempt at initiating conversation was fruitful.

"I'd be lying if I said I was fine. What about you?" I replied

"I've been much better." A hint of tiredness captured into his voice, and I could tell he hadn't slept for days.

Somehow, the conversation picked up and quickly moved to a painful subject for me. I did not want to deal with this right now, but this was why we came here. I could tell he wasn't feeling any better about the break-up. We had both hoped that it would be temporary; I just wasn't ready now.

"I, I think that I'd be less bruised if we were friends. You know I'm sorry don't you?" He asked.

"Shawn…"my voice but a whisper "I gave you all. And all you ever say is I'm sorry, that's all you ever freaking say."

"Well at least I say I'm sorry-"

"Try doing something, actions count not words."

I closed my eyes and forced out what I thought to be a patient smile, "What do you mean do something?" My voice was filled with anger, "I have been doing everything! I never meant you any harm Jules!"

"I'm really struggling to find any truth in your lies."

"My feelings for you were never a lie." I took a sip of my coffee that suddenly tasted bitter, "I didn't want you to get hurt. This started before I met you. The only reason was so I could stay out of jail and then I had such a good time. Gus and my dad were here, everything was perfect. Then when you showed up you would have turned me in right away. Can you not see my dilemma? My biggest fear was losing you-"

"So the time we were together was just so you would stay out of jail?"

"I never said that, I just thought that was best. I couldn't bear to lose you and I couldn't get Gus and my dad in trouble. There were so many times I was going to tell you but I don't have enough courage. My boldness was left amongst the wreck, and that is all I have now. A mask to pretend I'm ok. But let me say that the time we were given was the best in the world."

"It's getting dark, too dark to see." Juliet said' "I should go."

"What are you talking about? It's still light out…"

"I'm clouded by darkness" God she had a way with words.

"That's a bit of a harsh term don't you think" I whispered

"Thanks to you, it practically dominates the things I see."

That wasn't a lie, ever since he left, I had felt a clouded mind and a heavy heart. I looked back at him and he had a pained expression on his face. "No no no Jules, look this is not the end ok? We can be happy and wholesome again…listen, love it's something new for me. I don't know how to describe it but I think that it doesn't betray you, dismay, or enslave you. I think that it will set us free. I just need you to trust me again.

"I need freedom _now_ Shawn," I said. I was trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. "I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be-"

"And that should be with ME! Listen, there will come a time you'll see with no more tears." He wiped the tears that had approached my cheek. "And our love will not break our hearts but dismiss our fears."

"What are you even talking about?" I was so confused, but the way he was saying this almost made sense and I felt that he was telling the truth.

"My head told my heart let love grow…" He began.

Feeling the need to interrupt I said "What'd you say, this time no?" The tears Shawn affectionately wiped away had been replaced with another round. I couldn't believe this but if possible I think my heart started hurting more.

"No, I didn't mean that!" he tried to explain, "I just, I thought that I could never really give you my heart, my body, my love, or my folly until you knew about this" he ended his statement by putting his finger up to his temple.

The tears were threatening to pour out now. I told myself I wouldn't give into him. "I was so stupid for following you with my whole life. God, I am an idiot!" I couldn't even comprehend how upset I was. I had never felt this much…betrayal. At first I had only blamed him, but now I was starting to blame myself. I didn't have to believe him. I had always been skeptical of supernatural powers. Why did I trust him? Was it his boyish good looks, or how he made it seem so real? I was at a loss, and felt a new pain. It was not only him but me to blame as well.

"No Jules, it was not your fault but mine." How did he always know what I was thinking?

"You broke me Shawn." I replied, my voice breaking at the same time, "I trusted you so much! I always knew you would have my back."

"I suppose it's better not to breathe than to breathe a lie." His voice was strained as he looked directly at me.

I stood up and began to walk off, but he reached out and grabbed my arm. "Don't leave me alone at this time." he pleaded helplessly, "I need you Juliet."

"I may have been stupid enough to fall in love with you Shawn, and I hate myself for still being in love with you now but-" I replied as tears incessantly fell from my eyes.

"Please!" his voice was filled with pain.

"Let go of my hand Shawn."

"Please don't leave me, I love you, I need you, you're the only reason I'm still here."

"Let go Shawn" and I angrily stomped away.

Her words had two meanings and we both knew that. Not only did I let go of her hands but I think part of me left her. I had been holding on false hope and it had done me no good. I realized that I would have to let part of her go to win her back. My original plan had been to hold on with all of my might but that thought had come to a screeching halt. I would have to do exactly what she said. As I watched her walk away I determined that it would be harder than I thought. _I'll never be able to let her go. She means too much to me. Am I being selfish? I can't do what she wants, maybe that means that I am being selfish. _I had held on with all of my might, promising myself that we'd be alright.


End file.
